Talk me down once more
by TheInsomniacWriter
Summary: You stood on the edge of the belltower, looking down on the ants we call humans. They went on with their lives like any other day - they still would even if you'd die. You were just a pebble in the ocean. But then Sam sees you and talks you down. He takes you in and all goes well until depression hits again. TW: Self-harm, suicidal thoughts.


You straightened your shirt and walked to the kitchen. The brothers should be back soon with dinner. You hadn't eaten anything in six hours, basically before they went on their hunt. This was one of the few times you were too tired to go with them. You felt fatigued, which wasn't anything new.

It had been about ten months since you moved in with them and also about ten months since your almost-suicide attempt. You remembered the day like it was yesterday. You'd climbed your way up onto the bell tower, looking down upon ant-looking people going on with their day. As a hunter, you should've just accepted the fact that people around you died and that it wouldn't be the last time. But when your little brother was kidnapped by a Djinn and you were too late to save him, something inside your brain just flipped. Almost like a light switch. The brave, bright hunter you once were was now an empty, lonely woman without any emotions. You felt nothing, your feelings, including sadness, just disappeared. You should've cried when you burnt your brother's body, but tears would just not form. You weren't even angry. A week later, the dull feeling got too much, you'd _die_ just to feel again. And so you tried.

On that bell tower, that specific day, you should've died. Instead, you met Sam Winchester and he was able to make you feel something. A little spark. You couldn't put your finger on as to what it was. Hope? Sadness? Happiness? You just didn't know. But he did it, his words struck you and his hand guided you down that ladder.

_"I'm Sam." _

_"Lexi," you'd replied. He took your hand and stepped back, not taking his eyes off you.  
_

_"Let's get out of here." You blinked rapidly and before you knew it, you two were back on the ground. He never let go off your hand, instead, he squeezed it. He sighed and looked at the marks on your face._

_"It never gets easier, but it gets more bearable."_

_"I forgot how to feel." You simply stated, your voice dull and empty._

_"I know how it feels, I promise I do. But suicide isn't the answer. Just because you could feel like a pebble in the open sea, doesn't mean it won't change the flow of the water." You swallowed deeply. You felt something wet run down your cheek. The corner of your mouth slowly curled up. _

_"Maybe that peddle can one day become a rock," you replied. His words sparked your interest in him even more._

_"You already are, you've just been looking too far ahead of you, rather than look beside you. An ocean is big, but there's many fish, rocks and plants that you overlooked by looking over the waters." You smiled brightly this time. _

_"You sound like a nerd, you know that?"_

_"Whatever it takes to make you smile that smile again." _

_"Definitely a nerd." You both chuckled and he finally let go of your hand._

_"We could use another hunter on our team. Why not join us, even if it's for a little while." Your head dropped and you stared at your hands. Your knuckles were still bruised and bloody. Only an hour ago, you'd thrown your fist into the mirror in your motel room. That was one of the few things that made you feel like you were still alive. The one thing you _did_ feel, even if it was pain._

_"I don't know if I can." You admitted. _

_"Hunters research too." You realised what he was trying to do. Maybe he felt obliged to look after you, like an older brother - since he saved you._

_"Okay. Yeah."_

Once you'd entered the kitchen, you checked your reflection in one of the metal pots on the shelves. Your red-brown hair fell over your shoulders, hiding the marks on your collarbone. Your sleeves covering your wrists and your high-waist jeans hugging your scarred thighs and hips. There was no time for trial and error, you wouldn't allow them to find out. Especially Sam, the delicate brother who you had strong feelings for. Obviously, you couldn't let him know, since hunters are always risking their lives. You didn't want him to be distracted by someone like you.

The entirety of those ten months, you were looked after. Not as obvious as the first four, but you still felt eyes on you almost every hour. You had highs and lows, the highs meaning you went out on hunts with them. The lows meaning your mind recalled every bad event and particularly you finding your pale, blue-lipped little brother on the steel table with his bones sticking out. Completely stolen of his blood. You'd never forgive yourself. The lows had gradually been getting worse. It meant you didn't feel any emotion, which scared you. You wanted to feel, know that you were still alive. It started with getting yourself purposely hurt during hunts, like getting knocked back or slashed. Then when that wasn't enough, you often punched walls - which resulted in the brothers getting wary. Ultimately you found the best way to feel the adrenaline pumping, even if that meant slicing your own skin like a taped-up parcel.

You were good at hiding it, although summer was coming up and that made you anxious. You'd find a way, you always find a way.

"Lex, we're home!" Sam shouted from the bunker door.

"And we brought hamburgers!" His brother shouted even louder. You put up your best smile as to not worry them. After all, they really couldn't use the distraction.

"Heya guys! How was the hunt?" The brothers entered the kitchen and dropped the paper bags on the dining table.

"Wendigos never gets old, I tell ya. Sammy over here missed having you there. Stealth isn't exactly our thing." He threw his thumb over his shoulder, pointing at his younger brother.

"I-I never said that. But yes, we weren't stealthy because _you_ blew our cover."

"Just a minor set back." Sam rolled his eyes and unpacked the bags. He noticed you looked a little pale and fidgety.

"Are you alright? You look a little pale." He raised an eyebrow and you looked up.

"I'm great! Just a little hungry." You tried to put up a smile again, but you could tell he didn't buy it. Dean on the other hand... Had already started munching on his second burger. You really started to believe fast food was his religion. How that man didn't gain a gram, was beyond you. Sam looked at you for a little longer, then decided to shrug it off.

You three ate in silence and cleared the table. It was your turn to wash the dishes and take out the trash and so you did.

An hour later, you found yourself dozing off on the couch in Dean's room. He had already dropped dead in his bed, whilst both you and Sam continued watching "I Spit on Your Grave," one of your favourite horror movies. For once, you were content. Not happy, but content. Your eyes felt heavy and you let your head drop onto Sam's shoulder. He didn't stiffen or react in any way, he stayed very still. You felt his breath tickle your forehead. It didn't take long for you to almost doze off, when the touch of Sam's hand on your collarbone woke you up. Instinctively you slapped away his hand.

"When did you get hurt?" His voice dripped in innocence, he actually thought it was from a hunt. You sighed in relief. Your flushed cheeks almost gave you away.

"S-sorry, you startled me, that's all. I- I'm fine, it's just a scratch. It happens." He raised his hand, this time placing his palm on your face. He slowly stroked your cheek, moving your hair behind your ear.

"Lexi." His sudden tone of voice frightened you.

"These aren't scratches." He pushed aside the collar of your pullover, slowly revealing the marks you tried to hide. You were stunned, you were afraid any sudden movement would give it away.

"What is this? Who did this to you?" His voice was soft, delicate, like the day he saved you.

"No one." The sudden touch on your skin made you flinch.

"Does it hurt?" He asked. You shook your head once and got up.

"I'm fine, I'm going to get some sleep now." He caught your arm before you could walk out of that door.

"Wait." He pushed himself on his feet and moved closer to you. Your foreheads almost touched as he whispered. "If there's something wrong, you should come to me." You didn't know what to say, you were flustered by the fact his lips were an inch away from touching yours.

_"But you won't." _A voice in your head echoed and you pulled away from Sam. _I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine._

You jolted out of the door, to the bathroom. You nearly tripped over the little step in front of the door, but quickly recovered and locked the door behind you.

You sunk down onto your butt and placed your head on your knees.

_"Distraction can cause accidents." _

_I know, I know. _

_"If they find out, they'll solely focus on you."_

_No..._

_"We can't have that, can we?"  
_

_I won't make them worry._

_"Might as well attempt again."_

_I... Don't want to die._

_"You do. There's no happy end for a hunter."_

_I want to feel better._

_"There's no future for someone like you."_

_... Sam..._

Tears streamed down your face as you flipped open your pocket knife. It was a bit rusty, but still sharp. You looked at your reflection. Pale face, no emotion.

_I just want to feel again._

For the first time, you were having second thoughts about hurting yourself.

_"Does it hurt?" _Sam's words echoed in your mind. "I hope it does," you simple muttered to yourself.

Blood trickled down your arm and you couldn't help but watch. There were probably over twenty scars littering your left wrist. Some were faded pink, most were still bright red.

You rolled down your sleeve and curled up onto the floor, you were so, so tired. Fatigue hit you again and this time you actually dozed off.

The doorknob was being turned, but since the door was locked, it didn't budge. A soft "dammit," sounded from behind the door, yet that still didn't wake you up. It wasn't until Sam picked the lock and forcefully pushed open the door, that your eyes slowly opened.

Sam looked down on you, his face showing disappointment and anger. You hadn't expected this. He didn't speak a word, though. He opened the medicine cabinet and took out anti-septic and bandages. He then yanked a fresh towel from the rack and got on his knees in front of you. He grabbed your arm and pulled up on your behind. Your mind was a little woozy, but realised you'd messed up.

"You weren't supposed to find me," you blatantly said, which earned you a stern look from the taller brother. He still didn't talk. Instead, he took off your pullover, leaving you exposed in your bra. He didn't expect to see much more than just the damage on your wrist, but seeing all the crisscrossing lines on your collarbones, stomach and upper arm made him drop the anti-septic. It fell on the tiles and rolled away.

"How long?" His voice had changed from disappointment and anger to genuine fear and sadness.

"I think you know the answer to that."

"You were supposed to come to me."

"I'd only be a distraction. You guys have an important job, something I've failed to do. Soon, the Leviathans will be taking over and there's nothing I'll be able to help with."

"Alexa," he only really called you by your actual first name if it was serious. "You've helped us more than you can ever imagine."

"I've done nothing. I couldn't save my brother, I couldn't save Jo or Ellen- I'm a good for nothing-"

Sam raised his hand and in a split second, it made contact with your cheek. You looked up, surprised at his sudden outburst.

"You..." He bit his lip. "I felt something, I knew I had to go to the belltower. Something told me to.

That's where I met you. I knew I had to talk to you. I've had my eyes on you ever since. I was afraid to say anything in case _anything _could be the wrong thing. You make me... feel things, things I haven't felt in a long time. You are _not _a good for nothing." His upper lip trembled.

"So tell me... Why?" He sighed deeply and picked up the anti-septic, cleaning up one cut after the other.

"It makes me feel alive. Ever since... _him_, I've been an empty shell. I don't feel emotions, or rather rarely. My lows are _low, _my highs don't pop up that often. Pain makes me feel like I'm still human, that I'm still breathing and that I can still _feel._"

"I don't want pain to be the one thing that makes you feel." He wrapped up your wrist and bandaged most of the cuts on your collarbones and wrist. He placed his hands on the side of your face and slightly parted his lips.

"There's other ways to feel." He closed his eyes and placed his lips upon yours. They were soft, it made you bubble inside. He placed one hand on your thigh, which made you moan softly. When he pulled away, he looked at you.

"Any other places I should know of?" You decided to show him everything and slowly got up and stripped in front of him. He had to look away, not because he was disgusted, but because he felt utterly destroyed. How could someone he loves, do something so damaging to themselves.

Half an hour later, he helped her dress up. He slipped his arms underneath her and carried her to his bedroom.

"What?" He placed you on his bed and draped his covers over you.

"You know... I can't let this slide, right? This is serious." You only nodded and watched his face falter.

"From now on, I'll have to keep a close eye on you. Dean and I-"

"Don't."

"What?"

"Don't tell him. I-I don't-"

"He has to know. You can't hide all _this_ from him, forever." You turned on your side and watched him.

"I will tell him, but not now. I need to figure myself out. I'm not ready." Sam simply nodded and put a stool next to his bed. He sat down and rested his elbows on his thighs.

"What are you doing?" You were terrified, you knew he wouldn't leave you alone for a very long time.

"I don't trust you being alone so from now on, I'll have to keep an eye on you. You understand right?" You bit your lip and hid your face. You did understand.

_"You should've cut deeper. Look at what you've caused."_

You cringed at the words and started tugging at your hair.

"Hey, hey. Stop that, I'm here." He pulled your hands away.

"I know you can pull through. I also know the road to recovery might be long and difficult - but you've got us. And I'll talk you down again as many times as it takes, until you smile that smile again."

"Smile?"

"You smiled back at the belltower. It was beautiful, I want you to smile again for me." His cheeks turned slightly red.

"O-okay." You couldn't get any more words out, he just called your smile beautiful.

"Lexi... Please. No matter how many times you might fail, I want to be by your side. I want to take care of you. But please, try." He softly pushed you on your back and kissed your forehead.

"A pebble in the ocean does change the current. I've looked it up." His words made you grin.

"Definitely a nerd."

He sat back down and watched you doze off. His anxiety was through the roof, but he knew she needed him. But he also needed her. She helped him pull through his rough time, especially since Ellen and Jo died. She was there for him and it was time for him to return the favor.

"I love you," he murmured softly before he fell into a dreamless sleep.


End file.
